Inventor's Daily Double

Q: "What year did fire start?"
A: Let's see ... that would be ... Zippo lighter in 1933 ... matches in 1805 ... torches ... they had those in the middle ages - I remember they came in quite handy during the witch burnings... Nope, I think fire started before my time. I'll ask grandpa, he should know. He's always telling that story about the first lightning hitting the first tree and starting the whole plasma physics fad.

Q: "Who discovered santa clause?"
A: Look! An old man in a red coat running a toy factory for no particular reason... I think we can market that! Excuse me, sir, do you know if you've been patented yet? Sign here. We will provide a company vehicle. No, not a mule-drawn cart, where've you been living - under a rock? On the North Pole? We've got flying reindeer technology now. I think we can release you in time for Thanksgiving... No, the headquarters are saying it's too soon, we can't put together the ad campaign in time. Christmas, then? There'll be some heavy competition... I think they've just discovered fire and are planning a Christmas release too. The fire thing is hot right now. Ah, what the hell, let's try for Christmas anyway.

Angry Saturday Blitz-Trifecta

Q: "What is the difference between They're, There and Their?"
A: There are people who could answer your question, but they're currently busy posting in their blogs about poor illeterate sods like you.

Q: "Should internet usage be restricted to persons of at least twenty-one years of age and above only?"
A: Should education be restricted only to people who can read and write?
Should running priviliges be restricted only to professional athletes?
Should the right to free speech be restricted only to pompous jackasses like you?

Q:A: The guy you like john will not be your boyfriend anytime soon or ever if you don't QUIT YOUR NAGGIN', WOMAN! Do you ask everything three times?

"How are you? How's it going, John? How are you today?"
"Um, fine, thanks"
"You want to get some coffee? Want to go have some coffee, John? Want to come for coffee with me?"
"Um, no, thanks. I'd rather drive a rusty fork through my eye into my brain and stir clockwise."

Does this happen a lot with the guy you like john?

Avoid Contact With Eyes

Questions about how to meet women are pretty commonplace. Even more so are badly worded questions about how to meet women, since people who cannot string words together into a sentence are clearly going to have trouble starting a conversation.
Questions about meeting specific kinds of women are a little rarer, but there is no reason to expect them to be any better worded, since fetishes are generally acquired way before language skills.
But enough about the superficial vessel of words containing the precious essence of Tony B's unrequited passion. Let's help.

Q: "How is the best way to meet women with long nails?"
A: This is how:

1. Approach cautiously - sudden or jerky movements may result in loss of an eye.
2. Speak calmly - agitated or nervous tone of voice may result in loss of an eye.
3. While in close proximity and still in possession of both your eyes, feast them on the nails in question. Don't just stand there packing wood - concentrate:
   

• Are they polished and beautifully shaped? - You may want to compliment her on them.
• Are they yellow and talon-like? - Begin looking for the nearest exit. Do not enter the gingerbread house.
  
• Are they metallic and very sharp-looking? - Look up at her face. Does it resemble Johnny Depp's circa 1990? Begin looking for the nearest exit or ask for a haircut.

Good luck.

In Soviet Russia, Shower Takes You

When it comes to dismantling myths and filling gaps in people's knowledge about mother Russia, I do what I can.

Q:"Does anyone know if russian woman shower and bath like americans do?"
A: Well, they do bathe though not exactly like americans do. Though they all have bathtubs, most don't have hot and cold running water. Vodka is much more easily obtainable. They frequently substitute.
If they're handy with the tools, they can rig up a vodka tank on the ceiling above the bathtub, attach a tea strainer to a garden hose, and improve the quality of their lifestyle by having a shower. Provided, of course, that they don't live in khruschevka-type apartments, where the walls and ceiling are made entirely of 2-ply cardboard and are obviously not strong enough to support a vodka tank. Or shower condensation.

Designer Clothes: $2000Stolen Mobile: $200

BIG KNOB ending his question with a preposition: priceless.

Q :"Where can I get her clothes off? Carri Mundane designs clothes for rude boys who kiss the girls, then steal their mobiles. They're clothes for boys she'd like to shag..."

A: First, here's Carri Mundane herself, along with a quote:

“I don’t only want to play computer games, I want to be inside them. Rave is not just for this season; it’s my attitude. Rave is distinctly un-ironic. Irony detaches people from their experiences so they’re left with nothing to believe in.”


Rave is her attitude, I'm guessing color coordination is her hobby and, apparently, she's wearing turquoise shorts with tights un-ironically. This doesn't look like she can afford to discriminate which boys she'd like to shag. I'd say you can get her clothes off pretty much anywhere. I just wouldn't recomment doing it in an epileptic's line of sight.
And here's the clothes that Carri designs:

Dude, it's a gangsta wearing pajamas and a polyhedron on legs. No girl would let either of these characters anywhere near her mobile. It would be rude not to take their clothes off.

Signs of Ridiculousness Deficiency in the Body of Knulledge

I'm starting to wonder why is it that Yahoo! Answers seems to be the only place providing fodder for this blog lately? If this keeps up, I'll have to rename this "Encyclopedia Supplement to Y!A" which is not very catchy. The rest of the knulledge-sharing communities seem to have gone on a reduced-ridiculousness diet. Check this out:

FAQ Farm
The only question here that truly arouses curiosity is "What the the hell is this site's demographic?" It's flooded with only 2 kinds of questions: car-related ("How do you change the belts on a 1999 Corvette?") or preganancy-related (my favorite is "Can you get pregnant if there is cum near your Virgina?" - not even gonna bother.) The former are useless to me because the only car-related question that I'm qualified to answer is "What colour is this car?", and the latter can all be answered with this video.

Ghostposter
Despite being a recent and blatant clone of Justcurio.us (which is entirely pink - 'nuff said), it's actually kinda good. At rhetoric questions. "If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?" Real clever, kids, now go outside and play. Watch out for that tree falling in the forest.

Ask MetaFilter
I don't know what they're thinking, but there's actual information here. And those posting questions can spell. And those posting answers are knowledgeable. It's like the knulledge seeker's nightmare. The hideous green-and-mustard colour scheme must be retard-repellant. Nice work. *Sigh*

Can't you people send me some ridiculous questions? These freaky Yahoo! avatars are starting to haunt my dreams.

A Clairvoyant Will Succeed Where Clairol Fails

Q: Can a psychic help me grow nice hair?
A: Yes, of course. Just follow these simple steps:

1. Go through old family photos and decide which one of your dead ancestors had the nicest hair
2. Ask the psychic of your choice to get in touch with the spirit of your dead ancestor with the nice hair
3. Out of respect for the dead, first inquire how grandad's afterlife is going. Don't interrupt the old timer's rambling stories with remarks about how much this casual chitchat is costing you per minute - that would be kinda rude.
4. When he is done telling you about his arthritis-free Viagraless romp in the hay with the etherial Marilyn Monroe, ask grandad nicely to let you borrow his hair. Afterall, he doesn't need it anymore.
5. Have the psychic transfer the desired coiffure to you from over the river Styx.
   
6. Don't forget to get everyone's signatures on the transfer-of-property paperwork - prevent later litigation with a resident of another realm. Remember that there's a risk of losing your soul in legal disputes with the dead.
7. Submit to a brief session of hypnosis. (This is essential in order that you may be fully convinced that the desired hair is really yours now.)
   
8. Hand to the psychic her monetary compensation. This is likely to be equivalent to the nest egg grandpa left you when he died. Don't forget to get a receipt for tax purposes.

Five: A Life

Q: Please, i'm doing a math project due tomorrow, and I just wanted someone to tell me the history of the numbe5
A: Dude, you're doing a project on the history of the number 5? Like, its individual history? Independent of all the other numbers?? At last! The private life of 5 has been overlooked for too long! It's always just mentioned as one of an infinite number of numbers... sorted among them in ascending order, like sheep... when really 5 is a beautiful and unique snowflake. Did you know that 5 was one of the original Fab Four?
But I better start from the beginning. Before 5 was born, cats only had 8 lives. Their standard of living improved considerably since then. As a child, 5 was a little odd. For most of its adolescence it was high. In its prime it worked for the Pentagon, and its integrity was undeniable. Of course it fell in love with a pretty little number and they went forth and multiplied.
Additional information can be found in most Grade 1 textbooks.

Go Ahead, Get Your Ass Dirty

I'm not kidding when I say this - fortunes will be made and lives will be wrecked in the wake of an unheard-of stock-market boom that is sure to follow aceboyle2003's genius idea.

Q : "Why isn't toilet paper made out of pure cotton? How bout this idea- cotton toilet paper w/ bleach? Would that be harmful to a person's butt area? You would think that if a factory could add a small amount of bleach in the cotton toilet paper, it would make for good soft toilet paper that would clean your butt. What do you think of this idea?"
A: 100% Cotton TP, Now With 33% More Industrial-Strength Chlorine!!!

• for the health-conscious: 3 out 4 doctors agree it's 100% safe for your butt area
• for the yuppie: Disposable luxury for your butt area - when 800-thread-count sheets would just clog your drains.
• for the purist: Wipe your butt area with cotton as pure as your enslaved ancestors picked.
• for the bottle-blonde: No waxing! No shaving! Bleach those unsightly butt area hairs as you wipe!
• for the lazy: Disinfect your toilet and your butt area in one go!
• for the STD-encumbered (who also like poetry): To make you forget your VD itches - TP with bleach for you skanky bitches!

Kids Ask the Darnedest Things

Isn't it precious when 15-year-olds first begin to exhibit curiousity about the world around them? "Mom, you're not a natural blonde?!", "Is university hard?", or "Yo dawg, for real there's no unicorns?"
Of course it's just a guess that Sierra23424 is 15. She might be an extremely precocious 14-year-old. Or a genius baby with terrifying telekinetic powers that allow her to type nearly-perfect english sentences and post them on the Internet though she hasn't yet learned to crawl.

Q: "In the movie john tucker must die he is mean does anyone know if he is like that in real life?"
A: Well, sweetie, you're going to find this out sooner or later, so I might as well be the one to break it to you: john tucker is not a real person! There's this thing grown-ups do, called "writing fiction," which involves making up things that don't exist, and then making money off it. (You will learn about "money" when you're older and your parents find out about your terrifying telekinetic powers, lock you in a brightly-colored trailer, and start charging people to look though the peephole.) That's an actor, playing john tucker - remember that Christmas Santa's beard fell off and how you cried? It might even be the same actor, only now he makes more money. And he definitely is mean in real life. Otherwise, he couldn't play a mean person. That's just the way the world works, kid. Remember how that Santa promised you an iPod, but then you got a lousy Korean knock-off and the headphones weren't even white?

The Idiot's Guide to Self-Defence: Abridged Airhead Edition

Q: Girls, what would you do if a guy was messing up your hair when you were painting your nails? Remember you can't screw up your beautiful nails?
A: A swift kick to his instep with a sharp heel and a quick jab in his solar plexus with a bony elbow will deter the flirtatious attacker. If he continues to disrupt your meaningless vanity rituals with his offensive need for affection and human contact, consider the long-term security option available to you: miniature cans of mace implanted in your nostrils. (Activation button disguised as beauty mark available in a politically-correct range of complexion-matching colours.) Talk to your cosmetologist or plastic surgeon today!

Urgent News Alert Status: Off

Due to the mysterious nature of mental disease and the suspicious circumstances surrounding the incident with the monkey, we will now return to our regular programming.

21st Century Solutions to Juvenile Delinquency

Q: "What punishment should be introduced for youngsters for this ever increasing disruptive behavior? I mean kids who threaten people, steal, mug people, drive like idiots and generally make the public feel unsafe."
A: You're bringing to the world's attention an entirely new social dilemma, one that was not encountered by the residents of 18th century New York where youngsters simply didn't exist, nor Dickensonian London where they clearly couldn't drive like idiots, nor Depression-era America where there was absolutely no reason for them to steal, and certainly not 1950's America where they were so cute and non-threatening with their ducktails and leather jackets. Since this is a radically new phenomenon, I suggest we deal with it by innovative means:

1. iPods: Give these to the youngsters to play with. It will distract them long enough for you to escape to a safe and secure location where children and car alarms are banned by law.
2. Colonization of other planets: Herd 'em all up and send them to Mars - it's the 21st century's Australia. There they may surf the red dunes and leave you in peace.
   
3. Time machines: Use this technology to go back in time and abort every single one of these ne'er-do-wells that are disrupting your meditative existence.
   

Jesus Cares about Your Linen

Today's home decor question contains an inspirational passage suitable for cross-stitching onto your favorite pillow.
Q: "Why did Jesus says ANOTHER comforter? And not the same comforter? Notice the word: ANOTHER?
John 14:16
And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter,
that he may abide with you for ever."
A: Jesus, being the son of god and all that, was clearly smart enough to realize that no comforter (or duvet, for that matter) would last for two thousand years. All those anticipating Christ's return would need to get another comforter at some point during their wait. Unless, of course, they want to miss the big event, being bedridden with acute pneumonia because they've been spending long cold Savior-less winters wrapped in a tattered two-thousand-year-old comforter.
Wait, now that I read the passage in question more closely... did he say "that he may abide with you for ever"? Personification of bedding aside, the Jesus-God Conglomerate appears to have been sitting on the breakthrough technology of everlasting comforters since the year 33 A.D.!

On Infallible Logic

There's something not quite right about the following question. I wonder if I might've misconstrued vijjy's meaning?
Q: "what is the truth in the wrold"
A: The answer you seek is multifaceted. On one hand, "the truth" is something that agrees with the factual state of the world. On the other hand hand, the factual state of the world is such that there exists a medium of communication among humankind called the "english language," in which "wrold" is not a valid word. Thus you question can be paraphrased as "What is the truth in the something that isn't the truth?" and is, in fact, a paradox. Since I'm not qualified to answer paradoxical questions, let's assign an arbitrary value to this meaningless string of symbols and say that "wrold" will signify ... um, how about "a small puddle with an offensive smell"? The answer to "What is the truth in the small puddle with an offensive smell?" is: There isn't any, because such a puddle is not a proper receptacle wherein truth may be contained.

On Mortal Peril

What nemesisfred failed to realize when he asked me the following question, was that this is a perfectly valid question, the answer to which is sure to benefit mankind. But since nemesisfred was the first to respond to my request for query contributions, I will honor him by answering it anyway.
Q: I saw the movie the mothman prophecies and since then I have been seeing random & infrequent appearances of moths in disturbing places. Am I going to die?
A: Random & infrequent appearances of moths are quite common and are experienced by most people, with the exception of the blind and those residing very close to the Arctic Circle. The likelyhood of your imminent death depends on how disturbing these encounters really are. Please refer to the handy chart below.

• Moths chillin' by a flame - 0-10% chance of sudden death
• Moths doing the backstroke in your morning tea - 10-15% chance of imminent expiration
  
• Moths playing miniature golf on a regular golf course - 15-50% chance of a tragic end
  
• Moths performing burlesque at Carnegie Hall - 50-99% chance of a horrifying demise
  
• Moths on a plane - certain death

Do take care of yourself.

On World Domination

Stewie's question would seem harmless enough, if the sinister plot of the WWCTSRCNRIN didn't come to light just yesterday:
Q:"Can I take over the universe after I take over the world?"
A: I need some background information, Stewie - how sure are you that you will take over the world? Have you practiced on smaller things? Have you taken over at least a bathtub? How about a small country, let's say the Vatican - anything that size? It would improve your chances dramatically. Also, if you're having trouble, you might want to enlist the help of someone more experienced. Say, Jesus. Of course, he'd probably refuse to help you if you've attempted to besiege the Vatican. Best of luck.

Welcome, Bewildered Seekers of Knulledge

The Internet, in addition to being a series of tubes, is also an excellent source of information, a.k.a. knowledge. Say, you have a question, such as How many legs does a bee have? or How can I build a space station from simple household items? or Who was Prince Albert and did he really have one? You can find answers to these and many other valid questions like them on the Internet, by simply Googling them, looking them up on Wikipedia, or asking Jeeves.

But how many of your fellow travellers on the Superinformationhighway will notice and admire you if you resort to such a simple and elegant solution to your knowledge problem? Maybe a one-in-eleventeen-billion chance of your search catching someone's eye on Google Live Query, and the odds of your search history being subpoenaed by the FBI are only slightly better. Basically, chances are nil that someone smoldering, smoking hot will even know of your query, let alone say to themselves: "Gosh, what a curiously insatiable thirst for knowledge! I would really like to shag this person."

Fortunately, the Internet a veritable emporium of solutions to this dilemma. They are called "knowledge sharing communities," or some such nonsense. This is where you can ask your questions, and someone - possibly even someone smoldering, smoking hot who will want to shag you - will read your query and answer it.

You can join these communities even if you're semi-literate and your capacity for retaining knowledge is about as good as a newborn's capacity for retaining his bladder. You are especially welcome there if you don't know how to use the rest of the Internet to find answers to such questions as How many days in a year? or What is IQ? or Where is Canada? These are all valid questions, too.

However, there are also those who infiltrate these welcoming communities to ask questions such as What colour should I dye my hair? and Do u like Dawgs? and Has anyone found my skull or my fetus? It is safe to say these people are not seeking knowledge. In fact, most of them are members of the World-Wide Conspiracy That Seeks to Reduce the Content-to-Noise Ratio of the Internet to Null (WWCTSRCNRIN). The same nefarious organization that employs thousands of bloggers, spammers, and misguided souls to overpopulate the Internet with knulledge - information whose educational, entertainment, and nutritional value is null. (Incidentally, the same covert organization is responsible for introducing the appendix into the human body.)

Therefore, the mission of the Encyclopædia of Knulledge can be stated simply: "To undermine the WWCTSRCNRIN by adding educational, entertainment and nutritional value to its ridiculous questions."

P.S. Bring me some good ones if you come across them.