Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Diary of a Journal Writer: The Blog

Q: "What can you do in a journal? (this is seperate from a diary)"

A: I've looked this up in a legal encyclopedia to be sure, so this is reliable information: there is no law that regulates what people can and cannot do in their journals. Which means you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want, to the extent of your physical and mental abilities. This is to say that if you've only got one hand, say, you can't doodle in your journal with two hands at once. Or if you've a very limited imagination, you can't do anything that's not included on the following list:

  • you can write bad neo-goth poetry
  • you can document daily atmospheric pressure, wind direction, or the temperature inside your freezer.
  • you can create expressionist sketches with your own bodily wastes
  • you can even spell badly (this is seperate from writing ungrammatically), and still no one will arrest you, or make fun of you, or tell you that you're using your journal incorrectly.
Unless you post it online.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Inventor's Daily Double

Q: "What year did fire start?"
A: Let's see ... that would be ... Zippo lighter in 1933 ... matches in 1805 ... torches ... they had those in the middle ages - I remember they came in quite handy during the witch burnings... Nope, I think fire started before my time. I'll ask grandpa, he should know. He's always telling that story about the first lightning hitting the first tree and starting the whole plasma physics fad.

Q: "Who discovered santa clause?"
A: Look! An old man in a red coat running a toy factory for no particular reason... I think we can market that! Excuse me, sir, do you know if you've been patented yet? Sign here. We will provide a company vehicle. No, not a mule-drawn cart, where've you been living - under a rock? On the North Pole? We've got flying reindeer technology now. I think we can release you in time for Thanksgiving... No, the headquarters are saying it's too soon, we can't put together the ad campaign in time. Christmas, then? There'll be some heavy competition... I think they've just discovered fire and are planning a Christmas release too. The fire thing is hot right now. Ah, what the hell, let's try for Christmas anyway.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Angry Saturday Blitz-Trifecta

Q: "What is the difference between They're, There and Their?"
A: There are people who could answer your question, but they're currently busy posting in their blogs about poor illeterate sods like you.

Q: "Should internet usage be restricted to persons of at least twenty-one years of age and above only?"
A: Should education be restricted only to people who can read and write?
Should running priviliges be restricted only to professional athletes?
Should the right to free speech be restricted only to pompous jackasses like you?

Q:A: The guy you like john will not be your boyfriend anytime soon or ever if you don't QUIT YOUR NAGGIN', WOMAN! Do you ask everything three times?

"How are you? How's it going, John? How are you today?"
"Um, fine, thanks"
"You want to get some coffee? Want to go have some coffee, John? Want to come for coffee with me?"
"Um, no, thanks. I'd rather drive a rusty fork through my eye into my brain and stir clockwise."

Does this happen a lot with the guy you like john?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Avoid Contact With Eyes

Questions about how to meet women are pretty commonplace. Even more so are badly worded questions about how to meet women, since people who cannot string words together into a sentence are clearly going to have trouble starting a conversation.
Questions about meeting specific kinds of women are a little rarer, but there is no reason to expect them to be any better worded, since fetishes are generally acquired way before language skills.
But enough about the superficial vessel of words containing the precious essence of Tony B's unrequited passion. Let's help.

Q: "How is the best way to meet women with long nails?"
A: This is how:

  1. Approach cautiously - sudden or jerky movements may result in loss of an eye.
  2. Speak calmly - agitated or nervous tone of voice may result in loss of an eye.
  3. While in close proximity and still in possession of both your eyes, feast them on the nails in question. Don't just stand there packing wood - concentrate:
  • Are they polished and beautifully shaped? - You may want to compliment her on them.
  • Are they yellow and talon-like? - Begin looking for the nearest exit. Do not enter the gingerbread house.
  • Are they metallic and very sharp-looking? - Look up at her face. Does it resemble Johnny Depp's circa 1990? Begin looking for the nearest exit or ask for a haircut.
Good luck.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

In Soviet Russia, Shower Takes You

When it comes to dismantling myths and filling gaps in people's knowledge about mother Russia, I do what I can.

Q:"Does anyone know if russian woman shower and bath like americans do?"
A: Well, they do bathe though not exactly like americans do. Though they all have bathtubs, most don't have hot and cold running water. Vodka is much more easily obtainable. They frequently substitute.
If they're handy with the tools, they can rig up a vodka tank on the ceiling above the bathtub, attach a tea strainer to a garden hose, and improve the quality of their lifestyle by having a shower. Provided, of course, that they don't live in khruschevka-type apartments, where the walls and ceiling are made entirely of 2-ply cardboard and are obviously not strong enough to support a vodka tank. Or shower condensation.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Designer Clothes: $2000
Stolen Mobile: $200

BIG KNOB ending his question with a preposition: priceless.

Q :"Where can I get her clothes off? Carri Mundane designs clothes for rude boys who kiss the girls, then steal their mobiles. They're clothes for boys she'd like to shag..."

A: First, here's Carri Mundane herself, along with a quote:

“I don’t only want to play computer games, I want to be inside them. Rave is not just for this season; it’s my attitude. Rave is distinctly un-ironic. Irony detaches people from their experiences so they’re left with nothing to believe in.”

Rave is her attitude, I'm guessing color coordination is her hobby and, apparently, she's wearing turquoise shorts with tights un-ironically. This doesn't look like she can afford to discriminate which boys she'd like to shag. I'd say you can get her clothes off pretty much anywhere. I just wouldn't recomment doing it in an epileptic's line of sight.
And here's the clothes that Carri designs:

Dude, it's a gangsta wearing pajamas and a polyhedron on legs. No girl would let either of these characters anywhere near her mobile. It would be rude not to take their clothes off.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Signs of Ridiculousness Deficiency in the Body of Knulledge

I'm starting to wonder why is it that Yahoo! Answers seems to be the only place providing fodder for this blog lately? If this keeps up, I'll have to rename this "Encyclopedia Supplement to Y!A" which is not very catchy. The rest of the knulledge-sharing communities seem to have gone on a reduced-ridiculousness diet. Check this out:

FAQ Farm
The only question here that truly arouses curiosity is "What the the hell is this site's demographic?" It's flooded with only 2 kinds of questions: car-related ("How do you change the belts on a 1999 Corvette?") or preganancy-related (my favorite is "Can you get pregnant if there is cum near your Virgina?" - not even gonna bother.) The former are useless to me because the only car-related question that I'm qualified to answer is "What colour is this car?", and the latter can all be answered with this video.

Despite being a recent and blatant clone of Justcurio.us (which is entirely pink - 'nuff said), it's actually kinda good. At rhetoric questions. "If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?" Real clever, kids, now go outside and play. Watch out for that tree falling in the forest.

Ask MetaFilter
I don't know what they're thinking, but there's actual information here. And those posting questions can spell. And those posting answers are knowledgeable. It's like the knulledge seeker's nightmare. The hideous green-and-mustard colour scheme must be retard-repellant. Nice work. *Sigh*

Can't you people send me some ridiculous questions? These freaky Yahoo! avatars are starting to haunt my dreams.