21st Century Solutions to Juvenile Delinquency

Q: "What punishment should be introduced for youngsters for this ever increasing disruptive behavior? I mean kids who threaten people, steal, mug people, drive like idiots and generally make the public feel unsafe."
A: You're bringing to the world's attention an entirely new social dilemma, one that was not encountered by the residents of 18th century New York where youngsters simply didn't exist, nor Dickensonian London where they clearly couldn't drive like idiots, nor Depression-era America where there was absolutely no reason for them to steal, and certainly not 1950's America where they were so cute and non-threatening with their ducktails and leather jackets. Since this is a radically new phenomenon, I suggest we deal with it by innovative means:

1. iPods: Give these to the youngsters to play with. It will distract them long enough for you to escape to a safe and secure location where children and car alarms are banned by law.
2. Colonization of other planets: Herd 'em all up and send them to Mars - it's the 21st century's Australia. There they may surf the red dunes and leave you in peace.
   
3. Time machines: Use this technology to go back in time and abort every single one of these ne'er-do-wells that are disrupting your meditative existence.
   

Jesus Cares about Your Linen

Today's home decor question contains an inspirational passage suitable for cross-stitching onto your favorite pillow.
Q: "Why did Jesus says ANOTHER comforter? And not the same comforter? Notice the word: ANOTHER?
John 14:16
And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter,
that he may abide with you for ever."
A: Jesus, being the son of god and all that, was clearly smart enough to realize that no comforter (or duvet, for that matter) would last for two thousand years. All those anticipating Christ's return would need to get another comforter at some point during their wait. Unless, of course, they want to miss the big event, being bedridden with acute pneumonia because they've been spending long cold Savior-less winters wrapped in a tattered two-thousand-year-old comforter.
Wait, now that I read the passage in question more closely... did he say "that he may abide with you for ever"? Personification of bedding aside, the Jesus-God Conglomerate appears to have been sitting on the breakthrough technology of everlasting comforters since the year 33 A.D.!

On Infallible Logic

There's something not quite right about the following question. I wonder if I might've misconstrued vijjy's meaning?
Q: "what is the truth in the wrold"
A: The answer you seek is multifaceted. On one hand, "the truth" is something that agrees with the factual state of the world. On the other hand hand, the factual state of the world is such that there exists a medium of communication among humankind called the "english language," in which "wrold" is not a valid word. Thus you question can be paraphrased as "What is the truth in the something that isn't the truth?" and is, in fact, a paradox. Since I'm not qualified to answer paradoxical questions, let's assign an arbitrary value to this meaningless string of symbols and say that "wrold" will signify ... um, how about "a small puddle with an offensive smell"? The answer to "What is the truth in the small puddle with an offensive smell?" is: There isn't any, because such a puddle is not a proper receptacle wherein truth may be contained.

On Mortal Peril

What nemesisfred failed to realize when he asked me the following question, was that this is a perfectly valid question, the answer to which is sure to benefit mankind. But since nemesisfred was the first to respond to my request for query contributions, I will honor him by answering it anyway.
Q: I saw the movie the mothman prophecies and since then I have been seeing random & infrequent appearances of moths in disturbing places. Am I going to die?
A: Random & infrequent appearances of moths are quite common and are experienced by most people, with the exception of the blind and those residing very close to the Arctic Circle. The likelyhood of your imminent death depends on how disturbing these encounters really are. Please refer to the handy chart below.

• Moths chillin' by a flame - 0-10% chance of sudden death
• Moths doing the backstroke in your morning tea - 10-15% chance of imminent expiration
  
• Moths playing miniature golf on a regular golf course - 15-50% chance of a tragic end
  
• Moths performing burlesque at Carnegie Hall - 50-99% chance of a horrifying demise
  
• Moths on a plane - certain death

Do take care of yourself.

On World Domination

Stewie's question would seem harmless enough, if the sinister plot of the WWCTSRCNRIN didn't come to light just yesterday:
Q:"Can I take over the universe after I take over the world?"
A: I need some background information, Stewie - how sure are you that you will take over the world? Have you practiced on smaller things? Have you taken over at least a bathtub? How about a small country, let's say the Vatican - anything that size? It would improve your chances dramatically. Also, if you're having trouble, you might want to enlist the help of someone more experienced. Say, Jesus. Of course, he'd probably refuse to help you if you've attempted to besiege the Vatican. Best of luck.

Welcome, Bewildered Seekers of Knulledge

The Internet, in addition to being a series of tubes, is also an excellent source of information, a.k.a. knowledge. Say, you have a question, such as How many legs does a bee have? or How can I build a space station from simple household items? or Who was Prince Albert and did he really have one? You can find answers to these and many other valid questions like them on the Internet, by simply Googling them, looking them up on Wikipedia, or asking Jeeves.

But how many of your fellow travellers on the Superinformationhighway will notice and admire you if you resort to such a simple and elegant solution to your knowledge problem? Maybe a one-in-eleventeen-billion chance of your search catching someone's eye on Google Live Query, and the odds of your search history being subpoenaed by the FBI are only slightly better. Basically, chances are nil that someone smoldering, smoking hot will even know of your query, let alone say to themselves: "Gosh, what a curiously insatiable thirst for knowledge! I would really like to shag this person."

Fortunately, the Internet a veritable emporium of solutions to this dilemma. They are called "knowledge sharing communities," or some such nonsense. This is where you can ask your questions, and someone - possibly even someone smoldering, smoking hot who will want to shag you - will read your query and answer it.

You can join these communities even if you're semi-literate and your capacity for retaining knowledge is about as good as a newborn's capacity for retaining his bladder. You are especially welcome there if you don't know how to use the rest of the Internet to find answers to such questions as How many days in a year? or What is IQ? or Where is Canada? These are all valid questions, too.

However, there are also those who infiltrate these welcoming communities to ask questions such as What colour should I dye my hair? and Do u like Dawgs? and Has anyone found my skull or my fetus? It is safe to say these people are not seeking knowledge. In fact, most of them are members of the World-Wide Conspiracy That Seeks to Reduce the Content-to-Noise Ratio of the Internet to Null (WWCTSRCNRIN). The same nefarious organization that employs thousands of bloggers, spammers, and misguided souls to overpopulate the Internet with knulledge - information whose educational, entertainment, and nutritional value is null. (Incidentally, the same covert organization is responsible for introducing the appendix into the human body.)

Therefore, the mission of the Encyclopædia of Knulledge can be stated simply: "To undermine the WWCTSRCNRIN by adding educational, entertainment and nutritional value to its ridiculous questions."

P.S. Bring me some good ones if you come across them.