Avoid Contact With Eyes

Questions about how to meet women are pretty commonplace. Even more so are badly worded questions about how to meet women, since people who cannot string words together into a sentence are clearly going to have trouble starting a conversation.
Questions about meeting specific kinds of women are a little rarer, but there is no reason to expect them to be any better worded, since fetishes are generally acquired way before language skills.
But enough about the superficial vessel of words containing the precious essence of Tony B's unrequited passion. Let's help.

Q: "How is the best way to meet women with long nails?"
A: This is how:

1. Approach cautiously - sudden or jerky movements may result in loss of an eye.
2. Speak calmly - agitated or nervous tone of voice may result in loss of an eye.
3. While in close proximity and still in possession of both your eyes, feast them on the nails in question. Don't just stand there packing wood - concentrate:
   

• Are they polished and beautifully shaped? - You may want to compliment her on them.
• Are they yellow and talon-like? - Begin looking for the nearest exit. Do not enter the gingerbread house.
  
• Are they metallic and very sharp-looking? - Look up at her face. Does it resemble Johnny Depp's circa 1990? Begin looking for the nearest exit or ask for a haircut.

Good luck.

In Soviet Russia, Shower Takes You

When it comes to dismantling myths and filling gaps in people's knowledge about mother Russia, I do what I can.

Q:"Does anyone know if russian woman shower and bath like americans do?"
A: Well, they do bathe though not exactly like americans do. Though they all have bathtubs, most don't have hot and cold running water. Vodka is much more easily obtainable. They frequently substitute.
If they're handy with the tools, they can rig up a vodka tank on the ceiling above the bathtub, attach a tea strainer to a garden hose, and improve the quality of their lifestyle by having a shower. Provided, of course, that they don't live in khruschevka-type apartments, where the walls and ceiling are made entirely of 2-ply cardboard and are obviously not strong enough to support a vodka tank. Or shower condensation.

Designer Clothes: $2000Stolen Mobile: $200

BIG KNOB ending his question with a preposition: priceless.

Q :"Where can I get her clothes off? Carri Mundane designs clothes for rude boys who kiss the girls, then steal their mobiles. They're clothes for boys she'd like to shag..."

A: First, here's Carri Mundane herself, along with a quote:

“I don’t only want to play computer games, I want to be inside them. Rave is not just for this season; it’s my attitude. Rave is distinctly un-ironic. Irony detaches people from their experiences so they’re left with nothing to believe in.”


Rave is her attitude, I'm guessing color coordination is her hobby and, apparently, she's wearing turquoise shorts with tights un-ironically. This doesn't look like she can afford to discriminate which boys she'd like to shag. I'd say you can get her clothes off pretty much anywhere. I just wouldn't recomment doing it in an epileptic's line of sight.
And here's the clothes that Carri designs:

Dude, it's a gangsta wearing pajamas and a polyhedron on legs. No girl would let either of these characters anywhere near her mobile. It would be rude not to take their clothes off.

Signs of Ridiculousness Deficiency in the Body of Knulledge

I'm starting to wonder why is it that Yahoo! Answers seems to be the only place providing fodder for this blog lately? If this keeps up, I'll have to rename this "Encyclopedia Supplement to Y!A" which is not very catchy. The rest of the knulledge-sharing communities seem to have gone on a reduced-ridiculousness diet. Check this out:

FAQ Farm
The only question here that truly arouses curiosity is "What the the hell is this site's demographic?" It's flooded with only 2 kinds of questions: car-related ("How do you change the belts on a 1999 Corvette?") or preganancy-related (my favorite is "Can you get pregnant if there is cum near your Virgina?" - not even gonna bother.) The former are useless to me because the only car-related question that I'm qualified to answer is "What colour is this car?", and the latter can all be answered with this video.

Ghostposter
Despite being a recent and blatant clone of Justcurio.us (which is entirely pink - 'nuff said), it's actually kinda good. At rhetoric questions. "If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?" Real clever, kids, now go outside and play. Watch out for that tree falling in the forest.

Ask MetaFilter
I don't know what they're thinking, but there's actual information here. And those posting questions can spell. And those posting answers are knowledgeable. It's like the knulledge seeker's nightmare. The hideous green-and-mustard colour scheme must be retard-repellant. Nice work. *Sigh*

Can't you people send me some ridiculous questions? These freaky Yahoo! avatars are starting to haunt my dreams.

A Clairvoyant Will Succeed Where Clairol Fails

Q: Can a psychic help me grow nice hair?
A: Yes, of course. Just follow these simple steps:

1. Go through old family photos and decide which one of your dead ancestors had the nicest hair
2. Ask the psychic of your choice to get in touch with the spirit of your dead ancestor with the nice hair
3. Out of respect for the dead, first inquire how grandad's afterlife is going. Don't interrupt the old timer's rambling stories with remarks about how much this casual chitchat is costing you per minute - that would be kinda rude.
4. When he is done telling you about his arthritis-free Viagraless romp in the hay with the etherial Marilyn Monroe, ask grandad nicely to let you borrow his hair. Afterall, he doesn't need it anymore.
5. Have the psychic transfer the desired coiffure to you from over the river Styx.
   
6. Don't forget to get everyone's signatures on the transfer-of-property paperwork - prevent later litigation with a resident of another realm. Remember that there's a risk of losing your soul in legal disputes with the dead.
7. Submit to a brief session of hypnosis. (This is essential in order that you may be fully convinced that the desired hair is really yours now.)
   
8. Hand to the psychic her monetary compensation. This is likely to be equivalent to the nest egg grandpa left you when he died. Don't forget to get a receipt for tax purposes.

Five: A Life

Q: Please, i'm doing a math project due tomorrow, and I just wanted someone to tell me the history of the numbe5
A: Dude, you're doing a project on the history of the number 5? Like, its individual history? Independent of all the other numbers?? At last! The private life of 5 has been overlooked for too long! It's always just mentioned as one of an infinite number of numbers... sorted among them in ascending order, like sheep... when really 5 is a beautiful and unique snowflake. Did you know that 5 was one of the original Fab Four?
But I better start from the beginning. Before 5 was born, cats only had 8 lives. Their standard of living improved considerably since then. As a child, 5 was a little odd. For most of its adolescence it was high. In its prime it worked for the Pentagon, and its integrity was undeniable. Of course it fell in love with a pretty little number and they went forth and multiplied.
Additional information can be found in most Grade 1 textbooks.

Go Ahead, Get Your Ass Dirty

I'm not kidding when I say this - fortunes will be made and lives will be wrecked in the wake of an unheard-of stock-market boom that is sure to follow aceboyle2003's genius idea.

Q : "Why isn't toilet paper made out of pure cotton? How bout this idea- cotton toilet paper w/ bleach? Would that be harmful to a person's butt area? You would think that if a factory could add a small amount of bleach in the cotton toilet paper, it would make for good soft toilet paper that would clean your butt. What do you think of this idea?"
A: 100% Cotton TP, Now With 33% More Industrial-Strength Chlorine!!!

• for the health-conscious: 3 out 4 doctors agree it's 100% safe for your butt area
• for the yuppie: Disposable luxury for your butt area - when 800-thread-count sheets would just clog your drains.
• for the purist: Wipe your butt area with cotton as pure as your enslaved ancestors picked.
• for the bottle-blonde: No waxing! No shaving! Bleach those unsightly butt area hairs as you wipe!
• for the lazy: Disinfect your toilet and your butt area in one go!
• for the STD-encumbered (who also like poetry): To make you forget your VD itches - TP with bleach for you skanky bitches!

Kids Ask the Darnedest Things

Isn't it precious when 15-year-olds first begin to exhibit curiousity about the world around them? "Mom, you're not a natural blonde?!", "Is university hard?", or "Yo dawg, for real there's no unicorns?"
Of course it's just a guess that Sierra23424 is 15. She might be an extremely precocious 14-year-old. Or a genius baby with terrifying telekinetic powers that allow her to type nearly-perfect english sentences and post them on the Internet though she hasn't yet learned to crawl.

Q: "In the movie john tucker must die he is mean does anyone know if he is like that in real life?"
A: Well, sweetie, you're going to find this out sooner or later, so I might as well be the one to break it to you: john tucker is not a real person! There's this thing grown-ups do, called "writing fiction," which involves making up things that don't exist, and then making money off it. (You will learn about "money" when you're older and your parents find out about your terrifying telekinetic powers, lock you in a brightly-colored trailer, and start charging people to look though the peephole.) That's an actor, playing john tucker - remember that Christmas Santa's beard fell off and how you cried? It might even be the same actor, only now he makes more money. And he definitely is mean in real life. Otherwise, he couldn't play a mean person. That's just the way the world works, kid. Remember how that Santa promised you an iPod, but then you got a lousy Korean knock-off and the headphones weren't even white?

The Idiot's Guide to Self-Defence: Abridged Airhead Edition

Q: Girls, what would you do if a guy was messing up your hair when you were painting your nails? Remember you can't screw up your beautiful nails?
A: A swift kick to his instep with a sharp heel and a quick jab in his solar plexus with a bony elbow will deter the flirtatious attacker. If he continues to disrupt your meaningless vanity rituals with his offensive need for affection and human contact, consider the long-term security option available to you: miniature cans of mace implanted in your nostrils. (Activation button disguised as beauty mark available in a politically-correct range of complexion-matching colours.) Talk to your cosmetologist or plastic surgeon today!

Urgent News Alert Status: Off

Due to the mysterious nature of mental disease and the suspicious circumstances surrounding the incident with the monkey, we will now return to our regular programming.